Strategies for Student Defiance with Miss Behavior

All behavior is communication. We know this; we hear it a LOT. Knowing this important fact isn’t enough, though, and doesn’t magically give us a toolbox or a skill set to support students through tough moments. When students are defiant, it’s hard on us, AND it’s hard on them. How do we handle student defiance? I’ve got nine tips for you that require some mindset shifting but are tangible ways to help lessen the stress and stay focused on learning.

Before we tackle the student piece, know that teacher regulation is ESSENTIAL. And I am very aware (from personal experience!) that it is not always easy. I encourage you to read this thoughtful and very helpful guest blog post from Lindsey Titus. It is such a fresh take on teacher well-being and developing a healthy teacher mindset. I wholeheartedly believe that this is a great place to start when you’re digging into helping students display defiant behaviors.

Keep yourself as regulated as possible - When adults aren’t regulated, there’s no way we can help regulate a classroom. Everyone relies on different coping skills, but take a drink of water, a deep breath, and look at a cute picture of your dog on your phone as a palate cleanser – do what works for you!

“Almost everything will work again of you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” – Anne Lamott

Meet them with compassion - When students show challenging behaviors, it doesn’t feel good for them. These behaviors signal that something is a little left of the center. Take a moment to remember this and meet the child with compassion. Compassion can look like sharing affirmations, keeping cool, talking about their strengths, and letting them know you’re on their side. Students have often had very negative and heartbreaking experiences with past teachers. Their trust may be hard to earn, and they may have built a sturdy wall. Meeting a student with compassion in one of their hard moments can mean more for your relationship than you may realize or see. This simple act will help save your teacher/student relationship and prevent more struggle.

Co-regulate - Because you’re taking steps to stay as regulated as possible, you might be able to co-regulate with defiant students. This can look many different ways. I love using calm books or coloring to help share my calm with kiddos who need extra support.

“When little people are overwhelmed with big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos.” – LR Knost student defiance blog  

Avoid their triggers - Learn your kids. If they don’t like when an adult hovers, try a different method of proximity and support. If noises bother them during work time, try providing headphones. Consider what you already know about students and put in some proactive supports that will help lessen these possible triggers. Remember, when we see student defiance, it communicates student needs.

Teach with their interests in mind - Adding in student interests can be SO simple and fun. Using favorite characters in math problems, using preferred topics for non-fiction texts, or making connections to relevant songs/movies/sports events can truly make or break a student's engagement.

“The best classroom management tool is an engaging lesson.” – Sean Junkins

Be consistent - It’s probably a no-brainer, but consistency is gold when managing student defiance. They need to know the expectations from day one, and unless there are some agreed-upon changes, those expectations shouldn’t waiver. All students thrive and feel more grounded when expectations and schedules are predictable. Students that often display defiant behavior can benefit from having a visual schedule of some kind. This could be a written or picture schedule, depending on the age and ability of the child.

“Trust is built with consistency.” – Lincoln Chafee

Avoid power struggles - One of the biggest traps we as educators get into with defiant students are power struggles. Repeat after me: no one wins a power struggle. They are easy to find our way into, hard to get out of, and can damage our relationships with students. Choice can be such a meaningful strategy to help avoid power struggles in the first place. Join Allie’s email list to access the Miss Behavior Free Resource Library, with several choice boards to help get you started!

Problem-solve together - I love using think sheets to problem-solve with students. If a child is showing defiance, completing one of these sheets together can take some of the pressure off and the guesswork out of what is going on and what questions you should ask. Coming to conclusions and the next steps together give way stronger chances of student buy-in! Remember that debriefing situations will only be effective if the student is back in a calm place. A chaotic, crisis-filled brain will not have the ability to effectively problem solve.

Be willing to let some things go - Sometimes as teachers, we can hold on tight to some expectations and routines. Being flexible saves relationships. Does Patrick want to stand instead of sit during math? Let it go. Johannah won’t take her hood off? Let it go. Eliah wants to color while you watch the science video. Let it go. There are some things we need to weigh as teachers, and though some of it miiiiight make our eyes twitch a little at first, we might need to let some of those things go.

“Be clear about your goal, but be flexible about the process of achieving it.” – Brian Tracy 

Please know that you’re not alone. It’s never too late to connect with, engage, and support a student that often displays defiance. It’s also not easy! Lean on the support of your colleagues. Connect with the school social worker, a teacher you admire, a special educator, or an instructional coach. It takes a village at times, and you must find yours so your classroom can flourish.

This week's guest blogger is Allie S. from the blog Miss Behavior.